


Phantasmal Boners and Gay Brainsplinters

by Cruisingforabruising



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Masturbation, Phantom Boners, That tag is plain stupid., Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-15
Updated: 2012-06-15
Packaged: 2017-11-07 19:28:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/434559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cruisingforabruising/pseuds/Cruisingforabruising
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jake English is discussing events with the version of Dirk Strider he imagined. Dirk had an ulterior motive all along, and it all seems rather odd. <br/>Contains blatant disregard for canon events, but oh well, we can dream.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Phantasmal Boners and Gay Brainsplinters

"Oh my GOD, Dirk!"

Jake English, adventurer extraordinaire-except-not, glares down at his now-tented shorts. Having his guns strapped to them did the situation absolutely no good, as they prevented the fabric from giving way. But it seemed that brain-splinter Dirk had indeed given him a phantasmal boner. 

"Frigging SPLENDID, Strider. Just--well done! That was the plan all along, wasn't it. TO GIVE ME A BONER."

His boner conjuring companion nodded.

"Indeed it was, Jake."

Well, this only served to anger him further. He shuffles and fidgets with his fingers, separating his hands only to undo the holsters of his guns, allowing them to fall to the ground with a loud clank. He winces; the sound was almost painful to him, letting his precious pistols fall so carelessly. However, that pain was nothing compared to the irritation he faced with a raging boner pressed against his shorts-nope! This problem was most definitely the prominent one, the guns could wait.

“W-why you little scoundrel..! I swear when I get my hands on you--!”

Dirk’s eyebrow shoots upwards, visible above the top of his overly ridiculous shades. A look of intrigue, and a quirk in his usual straight face. Well done English, you’ve intrigued your own brain. Look at your life choices.

“When you get your hands on me, then what?”

Jake should’ve honestly seen that reply coming, but instead he stands there looking utterly stumped. You might as well have sat him in the corner and put a dunce hat on him, he was that completely clueless. It’d be one of those awkward moments in “Guess Who?” when you ask a completely subjective question, such as “Do they look like a bitch”? That’s how stumped he was, and how awkward it was.

“T-then I’ll engage in delightful fisticuffs with you, t-that’s what!”

“And then?”

Tugging at his collar, his feet shuffle a bit more, and he gulps. The Adam’s apple-not quite as prominent as Dirk’s, bobbing upwards as he did so. He was so not prepared for this. Then again, he didn’t quite expect his brainchild to appear out of nowhere and give him a boner, so I suppose you could give him that.

“Oh bother. I’m going to have to bloody well get rid of this now, aren’t I?!”

The Strider had an almost sly smirk on his face.

“Sure are, English.”

And there went his voice again, smooth and calculated in tone. Oh, how it infuriated Jake-that he should be stuck with Dirk Strider, a guy with an infinitely nicer voice than himself-cracking while flustered, and horribly posh sounding. Something a little unexpected from someone who mostly raised himself, but then, the world works in odd ways indeed.

His hands decided to regain a mind of their own and work on removing that annoying garment. Jake had hoped that with any luck, dismissing it entirely would cause his little problem to simply bugger off. Unfortunately, it did no such thing, and his mind was so clouded with stupid lust and various other feelings that hey, it was becoming a tad painful. Before he did so, however, he moved over to the space of his own dream-bubble based bed; damn things were already around his ankles by the time he got there, and he’d forgotten the one vital fact that due to a severe need to get the washing done, he’d been rendered pantsless. His cock was literally at full-mast straight after his shorts were gone and over with, strewn over the room. Fuck off, shorts, nobody loves you right now.

This action earned a wolf-whistle from imaginary Dirk. In addition, as Jake awkwardly stumbled over to his bed, he began humming Music City Orchestra’s “The Stripper” theme. Great. Real mature.

“W-well Strider?! You caused this, now undo this wizardry!!”

Dirk tutted almost patronisingly at Jake. 

“Don’t suppose you’ve realised, but I’m kinda not all here. Not the full Dirk. A ghost, Jake. I cannot touch you. Now come on, entertain me.” 

Jake grumbled. He was both irritated and horny, his best friend couldn’t even help him out. Suppose he isn’t real, though. Not like Dirk can even actually see this, right? Right. So he hesitantly leaned back, propping himself up on both elbows, pulling his shirt up afterwards and suspending the confounding garment in his mouth; once done with that, tracing that hand down his torso. He was quite stocky for his age, but defined muscled showed through, and he wasn’t pale by any stretch of the word. One could even go so far as to say he looked quite manly. Moving his hand like that wasn’t actually doing anything for him, though. He was just showing off to his brainchild.

“Sod this.”

Although his words were muffled by the white fabric of his shirt gagging his mouth, the intention was clear. Bringing his calloused hand down to the shaft of his cock, he wrapped his fingers around the base, and immediately his hips jolted at the contact. He would proceed to begin pumping his hand in slow ministrations, Dirk looking onwards with interest. He was but a brain splinter, how the fuck was he meant to get aroused? It just didn’t happen, no matter how much he wished to join Jake. However, this was entertaining regardless, as Jake gradually sped up his pace, gasping and letting out the occasional moan, the sound filtered through cotton. This was all beginning to get a little hot and heavy for him, and it most certainly didn’t help when phantom Dirk sat down next to him, and murmured into his ear.

“Come for me, Jake. You know you want to. I just wish to observe.”

His breath hitched for a moment as he arched his hips, going as quickly as was comfortable, getting closer and closer to achieving release; beads of sweat beginning to form on his body, his breathing becoming more like panting as his shirt fell from his mouth and clung to his tan skin. Yes, he wanted- no- needed this. Glasses were long abandoned, having fallen from his face. He was beyond caring as he rode out his release, cum splattered about his navel and a keening groan, and he was gone.   
Dirk was just grinning, the sly fox, staring down at him with amusement as Jake was rendered a heap of fluids, messed-up hair and heavy breathing.

“Hey. You know that boner you had before?”

Jake nodded faintly.

“I was joking. I don’t actually have magical boner-creating abilities.”

“Frigging hell, Strider.”

**Author's Note:**

> Well I hope you enjoyed that albeit quite short fic. That was babby's first smutty scene.
> 
> Also my tumblr URL is Soulvisionary. Just... sayin.... if you might want to follow me........ aaaaaaaaaaa I'll stop now UvU;;


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